Friday, March 6, 2015

            I have to have everything figured out.
            I must be completely organized in every area of my life, from my finances to my Pinterest boards to my schedule to my stuff—
            I have to have everything under control.
            I’ve never really classified myself as a worrier. Whenever there are sermons,  lectures or books written on worry, I just sort of shrug them off and whisper in my heart, “That’s not me.” And yet, the more I try to know myself (and the more it makes me sick in the head and drunk on selfishness; glutting on my own sin) the more I realize how worried I am. I am worried about losing control, of watching my fingers being pried away from every area of my life. Not being able to say, “I’ve got this” any longer.
            I’m beginning to realize that this crazy, maniac cycle of control and introspection and worry and self, self, self is turning my life into an island. I’m distancing myself from my people, my closest friends and family and those I’m supposed to be serving. And God. My relationship with God may be suffering the most.
            This control cycle is truly rebellion against God. And what’s really interesting is that I pray all the time, “I’m surrendered to you, Lord. Take my life.” And sometimes I do really mean it. But the next moment, I take back what I gave in faith. I take the huge burdens and tie them yet again onto my aching back. I can do this, God. But the truth is (and He knows this better than anyone else) that I can’t do it. I can’t carry my sin and I can’t pretend that I have control. I can’t keep living in this fantasy world where everything obeys and acts accordingly to my plan.
            “I can’t let go, because it requires a little death. I know that tightening my grip will strangle what I’m holding, but I’m afraid of the sting that little death will produce. But the kind of life I want so badly lies on the other side of death.”
            -Jennie Allen  
            I must begin with surrender. I don’t think I’m called to surrender myself and then proceed to ‘undo’ that said surrender by snatching back my life from God’s hand. I’m called to trust him, no matter the cost. Nothing else can begin until surrender happens. It will hurt, but I’m so sure it will be worth it in the end.

1 comment:

Bailey said...

This is amazingly good stuff, Keelyanne. You write simply and powerfully. And I so hear you on the control thing...your metaphor of "taking back what you gave in faith" and strapping it onto your once-free back sums up my attitude EXACTLY. Ugh...why do we do this, we silly people?? Thank you for being real to the world about this.

p.s. You're beautiful, and I love your blog design!!